10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
the simulation is moving too fast
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
12653.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No