Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I bet birds love this building.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.