A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The pen is writier than the sword.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks