Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Word!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere