Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Velcrow
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”