It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A bold strategy
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.