Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
We’ve all been there
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.