Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You Might Also Like
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Siri, fight Alexa.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.