Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.