They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
my sentiments exactly
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
okay run it by me one more time
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…