[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You Might Also Like
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
No, YOUR illiterate.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.