*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
You Might Also Like
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
there’s probably a fee though
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.