shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
You Might Also Like
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
marvel comics have peaked
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?