Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
two people or more is called a problem
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Put a ring on it
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.