ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this