Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My circle of trust is a meatball
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.