ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You Might Also Like
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful