Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.