me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered