The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
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her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..