Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?