Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
much to think about
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…