Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
AM I BEING GASLIT????