Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?