Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
incredible book dedication
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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