They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
👾👾👾
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk