‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
😅😅😅
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
apparently this year was written by stephen king
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Monday
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Breaking news:
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster