[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men