Body by cheese-puffs.
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
What’s so funny?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.