Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.