[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Wednesday
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Skills
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
From Facebook just now…
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“