Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?