Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
i made a craigslist ad !
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing