Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.