[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The three genders
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*frowns in Scottish*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.