Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.