Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
5 ways to appear taller
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.