Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
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Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.