Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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And bowling should be called pinball
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me irl
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My blood type is b hungry.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham