Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.