[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]