Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Dance like you’re not the father
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
BETRAYAL