Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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Ah yes. The three genders
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.