“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Bike for sale
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.