Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.