My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
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for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I will never stop laughing at this
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Catercrombie & Fish
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?