[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
And now we wait
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector