“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
When he asks for feet pics
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: