A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I feel it
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips