WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane